Bus error: Jake Billo’s weblog

Background: Denon produces an expensive Ethernet cable, much like the kind Monster are known for. It goes for $500 for 1.5 meters.

Body: Story hits Digg, the Consumerist, and a variety of other self-righteous forums that really should focus less on “ohpleaseohpleaseohplease check my ID when I hand over a credit card”, “they sent me too big of a box”, and “lol, I have to pay taxes?” and focus more on wireless data prices, large companies screwing people over, and how not to be a chump. Commenters race to tell users all about the ridiculously cheaper alternatives and suggest Belkin. (Really?) I shamelessly promote my consulting business here to tell you about a site called Monoprice, which we’re happy to refer clients to for their cabling needs.

Plot Twist: Amazon reviews get spammed for the product, per this Slashdot article and attached comment. This should be expected, though, because people have too much time on their hands but are still chumps - don’t expect them to venture outside of the comment field.

(Hell, I wrote a letter to the Prime Minister today expressing my displeasure with Bill C-61, studied some calculus, and cleaned up after a dishwasher explosion. And still had time to tell all you chumps about this nonsense.)

Punchline: From the Amazon reviews, in case it gets taken down and you don’t see it:

If I could use a rusty boxcutter to carve a new orifice in my body that’s compatible with this link cable, I would already be doing it. I can just imagine the pure musical goodness that would flow through this cable into the wound and fill me completely — like white, holy light. Holding this cable in my hands actually makes me feel that much closer to the Lord Jesus Christ. I only make $6.25/hr at Jack In The Box, but I saved up for three months so I could have this cable. It sits in a shrine I constructed next to my futon in Mother’s basement.

I only gave it four stars in my review because I can’t find music that is worthy enough to flow through this utterly perfect interconnect.

Appendix: Check out G.P.’s other reviews, specifically the one where he bashes Cooper Lawrence’s book (the woman partially responsible for that Fox News Mass Effect sex-in-videogames scandal.)

Chump count: three

Judge Jake has been updated. In it, I get stuck behind some idiots professing their love for HARDCORE anime at Waterloo. Also, idiot gets owned for not declaring his merchandise at the border.

Feel free to grab the MP3 file or subscribe to the RSS feed.

As I’m exiting my economics lecture this evening, I had the misfortune to overhear a conversation between two students leaving ahead of me. I didn’t make any special attempt to listen until the conversation took an unmistakably horrible trainwreck. Keep in mind that this is an economics lecture, and not a computer science or math class - so don’t expect arts courses to be any better.

If you’re debating going to Waterloo and aren’t a total social misfit, beware that you may be forcibly subjected to the following style of ridiculous conversation, which I transcribed shortly after hearing it.

Student 1: “So, what are you going to do when you get home?”
Student 2: “Lock myself in my room for two hours and watch anime.”

I honestly have no words at this point. This seems too stereotypical of a situation to be accurate. After all, Waterloo definitely has a number of Japanophile students who enjoy the medium - but seriously, about the only more goonish thing you could say at this point was that you were into cartoon pornography. Oh, wait.

Student 2: “Yeah. HARDCORE anime.”

The above statement was made without any sarcastic tone, and deliberately emphasized the ‘hardcore’ nature of the material. Just in case you aren’t too sure,

Student 1: “Hardcore?”
Student 2: “Yeah, the hardcore stuff… you know.”
Student 1: “Ah.”

Far be it from me to judge a person’s kinks or fetishes - wait, who am I kidding? Japanese, cartoon porn is pretty low on the scale of Internet nerd stereotypes. How much lower can this guy get?

Student 2: “But I have to lock my door in case my roommates find out.”

Shame? And yet you’re announcing your disgusting taste in self-relief material to another friend? What gives?

Student 1: “Oh?”
Student 2: “They want me to watch it with them, because they already have the MKVs.”

Oh, christ.

Student 2: “But their MKVs are all in Japanese, and I don’t know Japanese at all. They were like, ‘Oh, that’s OK, we’ll translate it for you!’”

There’s absolutely no more possible disgusting mental image than that. And the Internet is pretty disturbing as is.

Student 2: “So I have to download the subbed versions sneakily, and lock myself in my room to watch them alone.”

Ladies, have I got a real winner for you!

Penny-Arcade has a delightful comic about people who overuse Twitter, the service that has essentially replaced the LiveJournal-style “and then I ate some fish, and it was good” missives. Now, instead of just being angsty to your closest friends, you can be angsty AND deliver your every bowel movement to the Internet.

From the Metaquotes community at LiveJournal, likely found through Boing Boing: Shakespeare meets Pulp Fiction.

J: How passing strange, for I have traveled far,
And never have I heard tell of this What.
What language speak they in the land of What?
B: What?
J: The Queen’s own English, base knave, dost thou speak it?

Judge Jake episode 3 is now available, predominantly focusing on Warren’s exceptional ability to fail it on a friend’s birthday. Other topics of interest include

• A recent business exam and how “The Sound of Music” is an inappropriate ringtone
• How I feel about “Internet girlfriends”
• A brief review of Simple Plan’s newest album (they still suck)

Subscribe to Judge Jake RSS feed

Grab the MP3

Listen now:

Another YouTube video, but damn if it doesn’t remind me of some productions I was involved with in high school. (Hint: Sexist ad for coffee!)

At least seven people have recently searched on Google and arrived at this site for the phrase “soulja boy = moral decay.” I couldn’t agree more.

The second episode of Judge Jake was released earlier this week, but The Left Dishon. Judge Jake failed to update the feed until today, or even inform me that it updated. Apparently I was supposed to be checking the Judge Jake specifically instead of expecting there to be a post [much like this one.]

But I digress. This episode covers some of the posts that Jake didn’t have time for in the previous episode. Among the judged are myself, and some MySpace hooligans. Other things of interest in this episode:

• The Man’s Gym
• Correcting teachers
• Jake’s tacky wardrobe
• Judge Jake incurring the wrath of goatse - yeah, he went there
• Corporate tomfoolery
• Soft background music to soothe your soul

Take a listen and feel free to post comments here, or send your comments directly to Jake at his usual email address: jake [at] jakebillo [dot] com.

Grab Episode 2: Rock Band Mic and Followup

Subscribe to Judge Jake RSS feed

Listen now:

Podcasting is for weasels, but nevertheless I’m launching a new one this evening. It’s less of a podcast and more of a “website that incidentally links to MP3 files, and also has an RSS feed” production.

Judge Jake is an idea I’ve floated around before, and was used in practice to creatively shame Chris Fitzpatrick into paying an extremely overdue bill.

Previously, Judge Jake was planned to function as a group podcast. I’d essentially be in charge of hearing cases in a Judge Judy-esque fashion, insulting the participants throughout the course of the show. For various reasons, this didn’t work out, but I think the core concept is still kind of funny. Feel free to check it out.

Grab Episode 1: Rogers Caps and YouTube

Subscribe to Judge Jake RSS feed