One of my more favourite recurring threads on Something Awful are those that ask users to sum up their day with a newspaper headline and subtitle. They’re generally hilarious, filled with profanity and make mundane daily activities seem absolutely hilarious. It’s effectively the style of The Onion but in shorter form.
Watch, now, as I summarize some of the posts on my Facebook news feed (also known as the Stalking Utility) in the same format.
Philadelphia Teen Attempts to Get Down to Work and Study
Success highly unlikely; girlfriend’s presence may prove to be distracting
Recent Breakup Offers Quick Turnaround Time
Woman begins seeking ‘whatever she can get’ four hours after relationship dissolves
For Some, The Location Isn’t The Draw
Students continue to patronize ‘Dirty Phil’s’, despite its health and safety record being worse than the Royal Buffet
We Know What You Like: Magical Advertisements Astound and Amaze
Sales on eyeliner, tight jeans and black nail polish for My Chemical Romance fans
Sticky Notes Come To The Internet
Despite perfectly good solutions like email, users blindly trust their text to random developers
When Friendship Just Isn’t Good Enough
New social hierarchies emerge based on mysterious pictures in a grid
I Say, Good Madam, You Appear To Be Emitting Music
People actually visit this site at work, thanks
Update: Now they actually are newspaper headlines.